I know youve fallen out of love with her Andy but I'm sure you can get to the bottom of these issues and get them fixed -
Blocked drains somewhere causing the electrical issues, sort then dry everything out and replace any relays that have gone etc.
A lot of the other electrical gremlins will be being caused by the battery management module issue, which may need the module replacing plus software updating.
If those 2 issues were resolved im sure it could be turned around and despite what I said it IS a nice car! 
__________________
Confidence is the feeling you have before you know better . . . . 
Audi A8 D2 3.7 Quattro Sport 1999 FL - Melange
2nd Place Winner - A8-Freunde Annual German Meet 2012 at Edersee
20" x 9" Bentley GTC Wheels with 385mm W12 Front Discs & Bentley Caliper Covers, Front Lowered on Coilovers, Xenons, Combined DRLs and LED Foglights to modified OEM front fog lamp position, Alcantara/Leather, Full Black Alcantara headlining + pillars and blind shelf, Bespoke Flat Bottomed Sports Steering Wheel, Dark Myrtle Wood, Autodim Mirrors, Bose, Blinds, Digital TV, Ski Hatch, Modified rear exhaust section for extra V8 Burble 
Audi S8 D2 Final Edition 2002, Avus Silver with Red Leather Interior
Tiptronic with Sport mode button, Sony rear entertainment package, Bose sound system, Audi Navigation Plus, 20 inch Final Edition alloys, Full Cat Back Stainless Milltek exhaust, giving a great V8 burble
Audi A8L D2 4.2 Petrol with LPG - Ebony Black
Audi A8L D4 FL 4.0T Petrol twin turbo - Havana Black
Audi A2 1.6 FSi Sport - Dolphin Grey with Votex body kit and Red Leather Interior
and some other A8's A8L's and Mercs
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