answer to my own question
Well, I may have found a BMW solution - it helps to find out that they call it a towing coupling, rather than a hitch, or towbar.
So searching RealOEM I came across the "Ball Oddments Box" for a 3 serries
Item 6 on the diagram
I would still rather an Audi solution, but I'll see what BMW will charge..
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2004 A8 3.0 TDI Sport Brilliant Black
Came with: Black Valcona/Alcantara Leather, KESSY, rear blind, flappy paddle gear change, Phone Prep, TV
Added:Bluetooth, AMI, Hybrid TV, Parking plus, Ski hatch, towbar, DAB, Umbrella Holder, Reversing camera, Auto lights, Wheel refurb
Things to fix: Turbo fault, power drain
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