Jokes that only work in Scotland...

[sloss]

What did he say....?

[The_Laird]

Originally Posted by darrenjoe90

Is it just me or does anybody else not understand any of them

I told you we needed sub-titles! I've been up here long enough to be bilingual, so I may be the only Englishman who got the lot!!

I'll post a few subtitles as 'quotes' for those of you who only speak the Queen's English.

[The_Laird]

Originally Posted by sloss

Glasgae lassie well pregnant phones for an ambulance...

"Ma waters HIV broke, ah need an ambliance right noo!"

"OK" says the Controller, "where are you ringing from?"

"Ma erse tae my ankles, ye idiot" was the reply

Play on words: where are you ringing/wringing (wet) from? As the lassie's waters have broken, she's wringing (wet) from her posterior to her ankles.

[The_Laird]

Originally Posted by 47p2

There 10 cows in a field, which ones nearest to Iraq??

Coo Eight!


*******************************************

There are 100 cows in a field, which one's on holiday?

The one with the wee calf!

Coo (Scottish pronunciation of cow) eight: Kuwait

Wee calf: week off

If you need further translations, let me know.

I've applied for a job as tranlator to the independent Scottish Government so the European Parliament will understand what they're talking about. Oh, but they won't be in the EU will they?

[sloss]

Quiet morning Jim....

I'm just getting the oil out to keep the Inglish warm and cosy

[47p2]

Another for The Laird to translate



Man goes intae a baker´s an saez " Kin ah hiv a mince roon?"

The baker replies " Aye, on ye go, pal, Dae whit ye want."

[47p2]

A wee wumman frae deepest darkest Ayreshire goes to see her new doctor,

I see you're from Patna, why's that so called?

Nae idea son, but Dalmellington's bloody freezin an aw

[The_Laird]

Still 100% comprehension!

And, yes, it is a quiet morning!

[sloss]

Clippee to foreign passenger on her busy bus.

C'moan, get aff, the bus is stertin' tae stoap.

[oldnick]

Originally Posted by 47p2

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious signs of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o th e puddin race,
Aboon th em a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or th airm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, " this is the serious Burns unit."

even a sassenach can appreciate that one !