[Conan_the_Librarian]

Fear is a funny old thing. Only the dead don't fear.
As I walked into the club this morning I was still feeling confident. By lunchtime I was a gibbering wreck.

I've dealt with fear most of my career. I have been lectured on it, shown how to overcome it, discussed it with men and women under my command, seen it in my leaders and those I lead. I have recognised it in myself and counseled those to whom it becomes too much. At the end of the day, whatever you fear it is all the same thing. The Unknown. When I realised I was in unknown territory at lunch time, had no map, no compass and little help to turn to the old Disco Knee reared it's ugly head. For those that don't climb the disco Knee is a manifestation that occurs at precisely the wrong moment and your leg which has your entire body weight on it as you cling on for dear life starts to shake. It's uncontrollable and extends up and down your leg. the only way to stop it is to commit to that move that's going to see you fall a long way to a messy death or impressed the living feck out of those watching you.

My disco knee moment came at lunch time. I had returned to this:



Over the morning got the front radiator off leaving this:



The next thing to do was to remove the inlet manifold so I could get at all the wiring loom connectors at the back of the engine. At this point on the edge of my map (from Audipages and ElsaWin) is an annotation 'Here there be Dragons'! I have LPG and it's mounted on my inlet manifold and it's hard wired into my loom! Oooooo Feck I thought and started undoing stuff.

First thing I find is that my LPG installer had wired up inside the fuel rail! Oooooo feck, I'll have to cut the loom. I then found (I belive) that he had drilled the manifold for the LPG injectors while it was still on the engine! Oooooo feck...... Why do I believe this? Because the rear drivers side manifold nut is directly under the injector port and I can't get a socket or spanner on it to undo it! OOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo Fecking Feck. I work on this for nearly 3 hours..............

So there I am think fecking feck I'm fecked when along come some of the Royal Navy's finest engineering minds in the form of 5 Senior Rate (Senior Non Commisioned Officer) ENGINEERS to see what I am up to as they had heard there was this idiot taking the engine and gearbox out of an Audi S8 on his own.

They gather like a coven around my engine bay, looked, sucked teeth, listened to my tale of woe, sucked teeth, sucked some more teeth and then gave forth with helpful advice. In no particular order this was:
Feck!
Fecking Hell your fecked!
Oooo Sir, I think your fecked!
It's a bit stupid doing this on your own cause now your fecked!
And finally.......
I understand why your crying, I would be if I was this fecked!

At this point someone said "what we need to do is find the tit that did this and give him a good kicking"!
Without noticing, a Royal Marine had joined us and added his pearl of wisdom. When I asked him which tit he meant he replied "Any, I don't mind who I give a kicking to"!
I now had 5 highly talented engineers and a psychopath gathered round the car when a junior stoker to whom I had show the problem earlier turns up wit a bent spanner and a bent screwdriver a proceeds to crack the nut and by levering the manifold up as he undoes the nut gets it to clear the stud and allow me to remove the manifold. Brilliant!!!!
What plaudits does he receive for this moment of genius? A scud round the back of the head, mutterings of 'Smartarse' and an order to go and make the tea. Moral of the story? If your going to humiliate your superiors, do it when they have wandered off.
Anyway, away he goes to make the tea followed by the Royal Marine. This bothers me just in case Royal thinks he has found his 'Tit', so I send the Chiefs after him and finish off the manifold removal. Which leaves it looking like this...



By now I have control of my fear and start on the suspension. I had 3 advisories last year on the control arms so I am going to replace the lot. Now this is not difficult. If you had Mechano as a kid (I had the plastic version) you can strip down the suspension. I now have 11 skinned knuckles (yes, one knuckle twice for those thinking I have 11 fingers) and the drivers side in bits on the floor, with the exception of the lower rear arm as the bolt won't come out without lowering the subframe....... Great!



By now I have been at it for 10 hours and I'm flagging. The young stoker hasn't been seen all afternoon and neither has the Royal Marine. I'm hoping he has done the Navy standard thing on receiving an unpopular order and deliberately misinterpreted it. With a bit of luck he's gone off to Tescos to get some sausages, eggs and frozen chips for the Chiefs' tea and taken all afternoon to do it instead of getting on with his proper job!

It's time to tidy up, take the photo in my short report above and a few gratuitous shots for you to have as reference;

The manifold from several angles:







and a shot you wont see outside of A8Parts:
Guess which is mine?



Yes its the clean one. Am I sad.......?

The radiator....


Enough already off home for a beer and bed....


usual disclaimer......
No person was actually harmed in the making of this epic horror story (although a kitten was run over by a sit on lawnmower while he was watching me hop up and down sucking my knuckles). Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is deliberate and deliberately defamatory.
The truth is out there.

Not in here.