Jokes that only work in Scotland...

[47p2]

A wee Glasgow guy decided to go to New York to help them rebuild after Superstorm Sandy.

While the wee Glasgow guy's working President Obama pays an official visit.

When Obama's talking to the cops, firemen and rescue workers he hears the wee mans accent.

"Hey fella" says the President "Where are you from?"

"Am fae Govan" says the wee man.

"Govan? what states that in?" asks Obama

"Same fn state as this place!"

[47p2]

There 10 cows in a field, which ones nearest to Iraq??

Coo Eight!


*******************************************

There are 100 cows in a field, which one's on holiday?

The one with the wee calf!

[47p2]

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies.

*********************************

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

**********************************

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?" "Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter. "That's affa deer," says the guy.

**********************************

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

*********************************

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

*********************************

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

**********************************

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. "No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ..."

***********************************

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

***********************************

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

************************************

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

************************************

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?" "I'd put him off at the next stop," he says. "Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?" "I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

************************************

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

************************************

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

[47p2]

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious signs of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o th e puddin race,
Aboon th em a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or th airm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, " this is the serious Burns unit."

[PsYcHe]

Oh dear... Still funny though

[tonupkid]

Some have left me nonplussed
and some seriously hilarious

[oldnick]

Originally Posted by 47p2

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious signs of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o th e puddin race,
Aboon th em a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or th airm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, " this is the serious Burns unit."

even a sassenach can appreciate that one !

[The_Laird]

Originally Posted by 47p2

There 10 cows in a field, which ones nearest to Iraq??

Coo Eight!


*******************************************

There are 100 cows in a field, which one's on holiday?

The one with the wee calf!

Coo (Scottish pronunciation of cow) eight: Kuwait

Wee calf: week off

If you need further translations, let me know.

I've applied for a job as tranlator to the independent Scottish Government so the European Parliament will understand what they're talking about. Oh, but they won't be in the EU will they?

[sloss]

Quiet morning Jim....

I'm just getting the oil out to keep the Inglish warm and cosy

[47p2]

Another for The Laird to translate



Man goes intae a baker´s an saez " Kin ah hiv a mince roon?"

The baker replies " Aye, on ye go, pal, Dae whit ye want."